... the movie (god help us) recently being released on DVD I thought it prudent I log weigh in with some tips.
1) Cosmopolitans are MARTINIS. This, simply put, means they are made MOSTLY from vodka, with another alcoholic ingredient being Triple-sec, an orange corn based liquor* The color comes from A SPLASH of cranberry juice.
I mention this because whille the show was in the height of it's popularity you would be amazed how many women would come in and order Cosmo's and then complain that they were too strong or 'this isn't how they're supposed to taste!'.
Now don't get me wrong, cosmo's are tasty drinks. I do not like them, but it was a popular cocktail long before Sarah Jessica Barker and her battalion of whores started ordering them and there's a reason for that. And I should know, Martini's of any kind were one of my specialties. When you pour those mixers into the steel shaker (never, and I do mean NEVER use a plastic shaker) you need to shake that fucker until the metal becomes so cold it sticks to your hands. That's when you will have a beautiful layer of ice on the top of your drink. Some would argue that, and say to shake it thusly** is to bruise the vodka, but to that I say, this is generally really only a concern if you are drinking a straight Vodka Martini. Sure, if you are thirsty for a Belvedere Martini, straight up you might want to think about a gentler shaking method. But if you are already mixing it with Triple Sec and Cranberry juice, you're obviously not concerned too much with enjoying the full vodka flavor and thus, the layer of ice is the trade off.
But yes, the point of this rambling diatribe is for all you fans of Sex and the City out there*** a Cosmo is a drink made mostly of alcohol, cut with lesser parts of other items to change and accent the taste of the vodka****. IT IS NOT PINK BECAUSE THE JUICE HIDES THE TASTE OF THE ALCOHOL. If this is what you are after order a Cape Cod (1 oz. Vodka and the rest cranberry) and ask them to shake it and serve it up in a fancy schmancy martini glass.
2) If you don't drink much and are going out do NOT where high-heels if you're unaccustomed to wearing them. This will save you from falling on your face when you finish your second Cosmo and stand up too fast, and it will save the bartender, whose really only doing his job and trying to look out for you, from being accused, whether directly or indirectly, of over serving you.
3) Do not accept drinks from strangers eyeing you across the bar unless you want to talk to them. Do not begin talking to them and accept more drinks unless you plan on either going home with them or at least giving them your (currently active) phone number. And it is NOT the bartender's fault for conveying the initial offer of said free drink on the stranger's behalf, no matter what happens as a result. We are there to serve the clientele and if that includes relaying a message between two people, yep, that's part of the job description. Ancient Roman wisom - DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER!!!
...............
* Fact checker - is this corn based? I'm pretty sure but now my memory has lapsed.
** Thusly? Have I been replaced by Thor?
*** Given the cast, I'll take the city
**** And yes, I have had a request (singular) for a gin Cosmopolitan before and I made it and served it with the same comment I reserve for the person that order Scotch and Milk - You're a very sick person and this drink should not exist.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
...
I move into the kitchen and pour some more coffee. It's an expensive blend from somewhere in South America but I have yet to master making coffee on my own, so it doesn't taste very good. I always prefer when I can to buy a cup: lazy, consumerist tendencies unspoiled there as in so many other places. Why is it that everything always seems to taste better when you buy it?
Shouldn't it be the other way around?
Junkies, Consumers - a word I fear ten times more than the last - the final epitaph that should be engraved on all of our tombstones. Maybe not everyone everyone, but most of us at this point in the attention deficeit disordered first decade of a new and shining millenium have reduced ourselves to little more than quivering masses of self-important ganglious urges. I've studied Magick for years, and while making several sizeable breakthroughs attempting to hack into the local reality grid*, it's this consumerist tendency in me, in you, in everyone reading this right now, that unplugs any real progress. That and a hearty love of alcohol, movies, music, books, comic books, drugs. All these things (with perhaps the exception of recreational drug use, which, while not exactly a myth is not exactly a truth either) get in the way - they are distractions we let our Id's and ego's get caught up in to effectively procrastinate ourselves out of any real commitment to the things we want most in life. 'I want to write a book'; 'I want to be in a band'; 'I want to own a restaurant'. All of these things are well and good, but if you want to do them, and I mean really fucking do them, then you better just stop taping the your favorite shows, renting 3 movies a week from Netflix and going out to the bar, because in the end, when all your minutes are collected and totaled, when you find yourself in a bed in a convalescent home or staring blankly at a dinner tray in an insane asylum, old folks home, rehab center or morgue, well, these are the minutes that will reek so bittersweet with the oils of wasted time and pointless endeavors.
We're not here long, use it.
These are things I thought about while Bono preached about God's Country over my stereo speakers, probably too loud, not loud enough the spark in me counters grabbing my large blue coffee cup with a cute baby Penguin on it, moving down the stairs to turn that resistance potentiometer up another half a dozen notches or so, coming back upstairs to continue typing, this, a sort of last minute manifesto to ignite the stories I would be otherwise unable to tell.
Spark, spark, Flame.
Everyone thinks they can be a good bartender. Some can learn like monkeys to make the drinks the way the boss wants them made, but in the end its three things that separate out the cream of the crop.
1) Observation
2) Patience
3) Simple, gentle human compassion
Now, I am not necessarily known among the company I keep for any of the three of those, let alone all of them together. That doesn't matter. The thing is, after a while behind the bar, that person waiting on you retains many of the best attributes I have acquired, while the thing that walks around day to day, cursing and nodding its head to one album after the next, well, that's the formula but relaxed - ill defined like muscle long since out of use. The one in the mock tuxedo shirt and black slacks behind the bar, shaking Martini's, opening bottles of Chateau Montelena a smile and a nod for a cunt boss and her cunt husband, surrounded by their cunt spawn, that one, that's the focused, exact essence at any given moment. Yes, still prone to anger and outbursts, excitement and hypocritical modus operandi, this job, when it gets inside you and forces you to concentrate, pay attention, believe in the people walking in and out of your life day after day, night after night, this is the focused exactitude of what I am, because now the muscle is flexed and lifting, struggling to get the barbell off its chest for just one more day, trying to make a difference in just one more persons life even while slinging poison down their throats.
Bartending is, as I've said before, babysitting. But at it's best it's babysitting for people who don't want to be pampered, they just want to be listened to and taken seriously. Their muscles can relax here and you can oversee their own trips into the imperfect state - that is why alcohol and intoxicants are so important to our communities and continued existence in the first place, why booze will never be outlawed again and people still do drugs regardless of the dangers they've seen on the news, in the classroom educationals and in their everyday lives since the moment they could think for themselves.
We need to get fucked up so we don't fuck ourselves up.
Not buying it? Well, you shouldn't, because I'm only half right. There are an awful lot of people who the booze and the drugs do fuck up. DESTROY may even be a better word. And even those who do manage to manage their habits will mot likely loose in the end because of them. But that's just it. We all loose eventually anyway. Something's going to kill ya? - a clichéd' Charlie Sheenism that is not untrue. People who don't drink or smoke or snort or shoot still die, and probably with as much frequency as those who do at a young age.
So I ask you, 'What'll it be?'
As a bartender however those need not exist to you. Sure, you will encounter people who can't handle their shit, who grow violent or angry or needy. You're even going to have to wait on and deal with them. Best thing to do is learn to recognize the warning signs early and let them make their move. But be ready. Be quick to catch them and excise them from your shift, your bar, your life. These people never last long anywhere in public, that's why they tend to go out late, bar hop, have/ attend parties and get banned from the nice places (which if you've been listening to my advice all along, you'll be working at by now). Sure, get rid of one and five more might take their place, but a multitude of assholes in one room will, you'd be surprised, tend to work itself out rather quickly nine times out of ten.
Shouldn't it be the other way around?
Junkies, Consumers - a word I fear ten times more than the last - the final epitaph that should be engraved on all of our tombstones. Maybe not everyone everyone, but most of us at this point in the attention deficeit disordered first decade of a new and shining millenium have reduced ourselves to little more than quivering masses of self-important ganglious urges. I've studied Magick for years, and while making several sizeable breakthroughs attempting to hack into the local reality grid*, it's this consumerist tendency in me, in you, in everyone reading this right now, that unplugs any real progress. That and a hearty love of alcohol, movies, music, books, comic books, drugs. All these things (with perhaps the exception of recreational drug use, which, while not exactly a myth is not exactly a truth either) get in the way - they are distractions we let our Id's and ego's get caught up in to effectively procrastinate ourselves out of any real commitment to the things we want most in life. 'I want to write a book'; 'I want to be in a band'; 'I want to own a restaurant'. All of these things are well and good, but if you want to do them, and I mean really fucking do them, then you better just stop taping the your favorite shows, renting 3 movies a week from Netflix and going out to the bar, because in the end, when all your minutes are collected and totaled, when you find yourself in a bed in a convalescent home or staring blankly at a dinner tray in an insane asylum, old folks home, rehab center or morgue, well, these are the minutes that will reek so bittersweet with the oils of wasted time and pointless endeavors.
We're not here long, use it.
These are things I thought about while Bono preached about God's Country over my stereo speakers, probably too loud, not loud enough the spark in me counters grabbing my large blue coffee cup with a cute baby Penguin on it, moving down the stairs to turn that resistance potentiometer up another half a dozen notches or so, coming back upstairs to continue typing, this, a sort of last minute manifesto to ignite the stories I would be otherwise unable to tell.
Spark, spark, Flame.
Everyone thinks they can be a good bartender. Some can learn like monkeys to make the drinks the way the boss wants them made, but in the end its three things that separate out the cream of the crop.
1) Observation
2) Patience
3) Simple, gentle human compassion
Now, I am not necessarily known among the company I keep for any of the three of those, let alone all of them together. That doesn't matter. The thing is, after a while behind the bar, that person waiting on you retains many of the best attributes I have acquired, while the thing that walks around day to day, cursing and nodding its head to one album after the next, well, that's the formula but relaxed - ill defined like muscle long since out of use. The one in the mock tuxedo shirt and black slacks behind the bar, shaking Martini's, opening bottles of Chateau Montelena a smile and a nod for a cunt boss and her cunt husband, surrounded by their cunt spawn, that one, that's the focused, exact essence at any given moment. Yes, still prone to anger and outbursts, excitement and hypocritical modus operandi, this job, when it gets inside you and forces you to concentrate, pay attention, believe in the people walking in and out of your life day after day, night after night, this is the focused exactitude of what I am, because now the muscle is flexed and lifting, struggling to get the barbell off its chest for just one more day, trying to make a difference in just one more persons life even while slinging poison down their throats.
Bartending is, as I've said before, babysitting. But at it's best it's babysitting for people who don't want to be pampered, they just want to be listened to and taken seriously. Their muscles can relax here and you can oversee their own trips into the imperfect state - that is why alcohol and intoxicants are so important to our communities and continued existence in the first place, why booze will never be outlawed again and people still do drugs regardless of the dangers they've seen on the news, in the classroom educationals and in their everyday lives since the moment they could think for themselves.
We need to get fucked up so we don't fuck ourselves up.
Not buying it? Well, you shouldn't, because I'm only half right. There are an awful lot of people who the booze and the drugs do fuck up. DESTROY may even be a better word. And even those who do manage to manage their habits will mot likely loose in the end because of them. But that's just it. We all loose eventually anyway. Something's going to kill ya? - a clichéd' Charlie Sheenism that is not untrue. People who don't drink or smoke or snort or shoot still die, and probably with as much frequency as those who do at a young age.
So I ask you, 'What'll it be?'
As a bartender however those need not exist to you. Sure, you will encounter people who can't handle their shit, who grow violent or angry or needy. You're even going to have to wait on and deal with them. Best thing to do is learn to recognize the warning signs early and let them make their move. But be ready. Be quick to catch them and excise them from your shift, your bar, your life. These people never last long anywhere in public, that's why they tend to go out late, bar hop, have/ attend parties and get banned from the nice places (which if you've been listening to my advice all along, you'll be working at by now). Sure, get rid of one and five more might take their place, but a multitude of assholes in one room will, you'd be surprised, tend to work itself out rather quickly nine times out of ten.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
It sounds funny...
... but all you really need to win some people over is a smile. And it helps to lighten your mood as well.
I know, I know. I can hear it now.
"When did this become the Michael Landon hour?"
No, I haven't bought any of those stupid new age books Oprah pimps all the time, I'm just giving you hard sceintific FACT. I read long ago in some science journal or another that during the physical act of smiling the face muscles used trigger a chemical reaction in the brain that actually makes you feel happier.
"if this is supposed to be presented as scientific fact, where's the exact sources?"
Well, if I was writing actual scientific journals I wouldn't be posting a blog about bartending (or would I? This is a science. Oh, chock it up to laziness today)
Anyway, this is an important 'Occult' tool to remember and use when some swine has shat upon your day. It can be difficult, but that smiling does actually work.*
The other side to this is a lot of those folks who will try to fuck up your day are looking for a confrontation or your defeat. If you smile right back they get neither, and this will often drive a high percentage of these folks completely insane. They will escalate their attack, but hang onto those happy guns and eventually you will ruin their day, causing their attack to deflate and they to exit frustrated, angrier and defeated. OF course this won't bode well for any spouse or children at home, if that is where they go, but many of them won't have that anyway, hence their need to strike out into the working class to carry out their assault. And if you know for a fact they are married, and just happen to know where it is they reside, well, call the cops from a nearby pay phone and claim to be a neighbor reporting a possible domestic. They might not catch them in the act, but the asshole will now feel Karma is clenching a shriveled finger around their lives and sink further into unhappiness.
All from a smile. Who knew, right?
* And even if its mind over matter, it still works so who cares???
I know, I know. I can hear it now.
"When did this become the Michael Landon hour?"
No, I haven't bought any of those stupid new age books Oprah pimps all the time, I'm just giving you hard sceintific FACT. I read long ago in some science journal or another that during the physical act of smiling the face muscles used trigger a chemical reaction in the brain that actually makes you feel happier.
"if this is supposed to be presented as scientific fact, where's the exact sources?"
Well, if I was writing actual scientific journals I wouldn't be posting a blog about bartending (or would I? This is a science. Oh, chock it up to laziness today)
Anyway, this is an important 'Occult' tool to remember and use when some swine has shat upon your day. It can be difficult, but that smiling does actually work.*
The other side to this is a lot of those folks who will try to fuck up your day are looking for a confrontation or your defeat. If you smile right back they get neither, and this will often drive a high percentage of these folks completely insane. They will escalate their attack, but hang onto those happy guns and eventually you will ruin their day, causing their attack to deflate and they to exit frustrated, angrier and defeated. OF course this won't bode well for any spouse or children at home, if that is where they go, but many of them won't have that anyway, hence their need to strike out into the working class to carry out their assault. And if you know for a fact they are married, and just happen to know where it is they reside, well, call the cops from a nearby pay phone and claim to be a neighbor reporting a possible domestic. They might not catch them in the act, but the asshole will now feel Karma is clenching a shriveled finger around their lives and sink further into unhappiness.
All from a smile. Who knew, right?
* And even if its mind over matter, it still works so who cares???
Friday, August 1, 2008
Plans and Agendas...
Okay kids, here's my checklist entitled: CRITERIA TO FIND A PERFECT GIG. If You are starting out as a bartender, or even if you're just looking for a better gig than the one you have, If the job meets these criteria, chances are pretty good you'll do well and LOVE your job (how often does that happen?)
1) You do not want to work in a club.
Let me repeat that because some of you won't believe your eyes. No I didn't stutter or mis-type YOU DO NOT WANT TO WORK IN A CLUB.
Now, I know there is a special, genetically-mutated percent of the population out there that think, 'Eh? He's mad, you bet your ass I do want to work at a club.
NO, YOU DON"T. Trust me, please.
Even those of the 'I do' persuasion I've known ended up hating the gigs once they'd achieved them.
Why is that, you might ask?
Well, let's see now. MMMhph (clears throat) Massive crowds of people constantly revolving in and out of your range and ridiculously loud music may sound like a good idea from the otherside of the bar (do they?), but from behind it these things mean A) it is unlikely you will ever make any of your customers acquaintance, without which your tips will never grow or stay steady, and B) it will likely be too loud and too busy for helping or listening to people, and like the above (or rather a part of it) if you do, it will usually be by their effort and in that case you can bet your ass they have an agenda. This will most likely be bad (someone trying to see if you know where to score drugs - 65% of these will be narcs) but it's not out of the question that occasionally it could be a good agenda. Someone might want to get you in the sack. Cool, yeah, but be careful, as things like that rooted in clubs have a tendency to turn out to be bad regardless.
2) You do not want to work for something corporate. Have you ever known a bartender at a Chile's that was zonked out happy with their job? Nope. No, you haven't. And if you've never known a bartender from Chile's, or any of those other corporate type shitholes, stop in one tomorrow after work, order a drink and make casual conversation with the bartender (AGENDA! he screams and points his finger at you) and see if they dig it there. THEY DON'T. If they do they are the souless undead and YOU MUST KILL THEM ON THE SPOT!!!*
'Okay Mr. all knowing dickhead, what is it I want then?'
Glad you asked smartass. What you want to find is something privately owned that has an older clientele and a loose pour system. These two points are important, so let me branch out a bit.
3) Older clientele. Der Clientele Oldario. Caliente cl... oh, never mind that one, just remember OLDER CLIENTELE.
Why? You may ask. Because you may think you want a gig where you can meet members of the opposite sex, be hip, pretend you're Matt dillion. Whatever.
That's bullshit. Read on.
Here's what an older clientele does for you: First - they will take care of you. Not at first, no. Older folks latch onto a bartender they like and don't let go, even if the bartender does. When you come on a gig like this the people will be suspicious of you at first.
They should.
You're not going to know how they like their drinks, you're not going to know anything about them or any of the little things that make them unique **. It will take you time and effort to earn their love and respect. Don't bitch or bawk at this - if you're not willing to put forth the effort you're not really cut out to be a good bartender and the last thing the world needs, well besides another Bush or Wayan's brother, is another bad bartender, so get a job as a lifeguard or something, will ya?
However, if you are willing to tuff it out and bare the thick skin that will get you through the initial period, you will eventually come to realize you know all of your regulars' drinks, you know where they like to sit and when, and you'll have learned the little nuances of how to act with regulars: one biggie here is you know not to have a drink ready for them when they walk in (unless they are the type that always comes in alone and wants this, a distinction you'll be able to garner after only a few experiences with most folks) or call their drink by name. The idea here is the person might be with different people at different times and not want them to know they come there often. All these things the they will notice and that's when they start to talk to you and you get to know one another. You'll find yourself thinking about them if you happen across a tv show they were talking about or they will begin to see their kids in you. At this point on your path you'll have become more than just a bartender - you'll have become friends with the people. You might end up going out for a drink with some of them or to birthday parties, Christmas parties, whatever. You'll bring in pictures of your vacation for them to see, talk about your parents or even just spend slow eveings behind the bar listening to them tell great stories about when they tended bar***.
I can't stress this enough: this is what being a good bartender is. Clubs and corporates are designed against this grain, so while you might make some money by sheer volume, you'll be missing out on steady, consistant funds but more importantly you'll be missing out on some very worthwhile relationships and life experiences that will not only serve to make Your existence much more rewarding, it will serve to make you better in ANYTHING you do after that. It's helped me in the two jobs I've had since going on hiatus as a bartender. It's helped me with everyday interactions with people, like when I go into an unfamiliar bar. And it will especially help you be a better bartender.
.................
Moving right along...
The loose pour system once was the only system. Nowadays there's a whole market of 'bar technology' designed to watchdog the amount of booze a 'tender pours. There's the ball bearing system, where the pourer on the bottle can be set to measure exactly oone ounce of pour before a ball bearing slips to the mouth and stops the flow. There's also a micorchip system, which I have never seen but heard plenty about. This is more crazy, Tron type bartending where a microchip measures your pour and transmits a report on it to a central database. Get it? This way they always know who pours how much, so trouble can be proven and logged.
Big brother, eh?
Loose pour is what it sounds like. You pick up the bottle, tilt it above the glass and pour. Maybe about an ounce for Joe schmoe, more than an ounce for your heavy hitters and less than an ounce for 'quarters'*^ and the like. This is war my friends, and you will learn to act accordingly. A bartender who can't measure a free pour isn't worth his margarita salt. If you're unsure, take an empty liquor bottle, a pourer spout and a shot glass. Fill the bottle with water, pop on that spout and start filling the shotglass. WHile filling count to yourself. Everyone's count is different. '1,2,3,'. Whatever. You'll get used to the count it takes to fill that glass and in no time you'll be able to measure a free pour just using your count. Again, corporates tend to be set up on the assumption everyone is going to overpour, so they opt for the security features mentioned above. Fuck that. People, especially older clientele, don't frequent where they can't get a good drink. Corp's rely on heavy turnover volume, hence coupons in the Sunday paper and ads on TV to attract new people all the time. Again, high clientele turnover rate = less regulars = less money.
Have there been people who have violated these rules and loved their jobs? Yeah. No one I know though. And while a cozy bar with plenty of regulars can actually be quite cathartic and pleasant to work at, clubs and corp's tend to be hectic and taxing, hence why it's not only the clientele that has a high turnover rate.
Okay, cheers for now, I need a drink.
...................................
* Legality: Do Not Go kill these people. Just give em' a hearty 'Piss off' and move on.
** Older folks socialize as much or more than younger folks do, so they will find a place they like also based on what other people in their age range with their likes and dislikes, expectations and apprehensions go. This is a great tip-off to whether or not you want to work at a place; case the joint for a few weeks before seeking employment; if there's no regular older crowd but a bunch of now-and-theners chances are its not that great a place.
*** BONUS FACT: Many people who frequent bars (not clubs) were themselves once bartenders or waitstaff!!! Guess how us ex-bar folk tip? GREAT!!! (if your not a blowjob hack that is)
*^ see 'what you don't do' blog from March 21st. Direct link here:http://thebartenderchronicles.blogspot.com/2008/03/what-you-dont-do.html
1) You do not want to work in a club.
Let me repeat that because some of you won't believe your eyes. No I didn't stutter or mis-type YOU DO NOT WANT TO WORK IN A CLUB.
Now, I know there is a special, genetically-mutated percent of the population out there that think, 'Eh? He's mad, you bet your ass I do want to work at a club.
NO, YOU DON"T. Trust me, please.
Even those of the 'I do' persuasion I've known ended up hating the gigs once they'd achieved them.
Why is that, you might ask?
Well, let's see now. MMMhph (clears throat) Massive crowds of people constantly revolving in and out of your range and ridiculously loud music may sound like a good idea from the otherside of the bar (do they?), but from behind it these things mean A) it is unlikely you will ever make any of your customers acquaintance, without which your tips will never grow or stay steady, and B) it will likely be too loud and too busy for helping or listening to people, and like the above (or rather a part of it) if you do, it will usually be by their effort and in that case you can bet your ass they have an agenda. This will most likely be bad (someone trying to see if you know where to score drugs - 65% of these will be narcs) but it's not out of the question that occasionally it could be a good agenda. Someone might want to get you in the sack. Cool, yeah, but be careful, as things like that rooted in clubs have a tendency to turn out to be bad regardless.
2) You do not want to work for something corporate. Have you ever known a bartender at a Chile's that was zonked out happy with their job? Nope. No, you haven't. And if you've never known a bartender from Chile's, or any of those other corporate type shitholes, stop in one tomorrow after work, order a drink and make casual conversation with the bartender (AGENDA! he screams and points his finger at you) and see if they dig it there. THEY DON'T. If they do they are the souless undead and YOU MUST KILL THEM ON THE SPOT!!!*
'Okay Mr. all knowing dickhead, what is it I want then?'
Glad you asked smartass. What you want to find is something privately owned that has an older clientele and a loose pour system. These two points are important, so let me branch out a bit.
3) Older clientele. Der Clientele Oldario. Caliente cl... oh, never mind that one, just remember OLDER CLIENTELE.
Why? You may ask. Because you may think you want a gig where you can meet members of the opposite sex, be hip, pretend you're Matt dillion. Whatever.
That's bullshit. Read on.
Here's what an older clientele does for you: First - they will take care of you. Not at first, no. Older folks latch onto a bartender they like and don't let go, even if the bartender does. When you come on a gig like this the people will be suspicious of you at first.
They should.
You're not going to know how they like their drinks, you're not going to know anything about them or any of the little things that make them unique **. It will take you time and effort to earn their love and respect. Don't bitch or bawk at this - if you're not willing to put forth the effort you're not really cut out to be a good bartender and the last thing the world needs, well besides another Bush or Wayan's brother, is another bad bartender, so get a job as a lifeguard or something, will ya?
However, if you are willing to tuff it out and bare the thick skin that will get you through the initial period, you will eventually come to realize you know all of your regulars' drinks, you know where they like to sit and when, and you'll have learned the little nuances of how to act with regulars: one biggie here is you know not to have a drink ready for them when they walk in (unless they are the type that always comes in alone and wants this, a distinction you'll be able to garner after only a few experiences with most folks) or call their drink by name. The idea here is the person might be with different people at different times and not want them to know they come there often. All these things the they will notice and that's when they start to talk to you and you get to know one another. You'll find yourself thinking about them if you happen across a tv show they were talking about or they will begin to see their kids in you. At this point on your path you'll have become more than just a bartender - you'll have become friends with the people. You might end up going out for a drink with some of them or to birthday parties, Christmas parties, whatever. You'll bring in pictures of your vacation for them to see, talk about your parents or even just spend slow eveings behind the bar listening to them tell great stories about when they tended bar***.
I can't stress this enough: this is what being a good bartender is. Clubs and corporates are designed against this grain, so while you might make some money by sheer volume, you'll be missing out on steady, consistant funds but more importantly you'll be missing out on some very worthwhile relationships and life experiences that will not only serve to make Your existence much more rewarding, it will serve to make you better in ANYTHING you do after that. It's helped me in the two jobs I've had since going on hiatus as a bartender. It's helped me with everyday interactions with people, like when I go into an unfamiliar bar. And it will especially help you be a better bartender.
.................
Moving right along...
The loose pour system once was the only system. Nowadays there's a whole market of 'bar technology' designed to watchdog the amount of booze a 'tender pours. There's the ball bearing system, where the pourer on the bottle can be set to measure exactly oone ounce of pour before a ball bearing slips to the mouth and stops the flow. There's also a micorchip system, which I have never seen but heard plenty about. This is more crazy, Tron type bartending where a microchip measures your pour and transmits a report on it to a central database. Get it? This way they always know who pours how much, so trouble can be proven and logged.
Big brother, eh?
Loose pour is what it sounds like. You pick up the bottle, tilt it above the glass and pour. Maybe about an ounce for Joe schmoe, more than an ounce for your heavy hitters and less than an ounce for 'quarters'*^ and the like. This is war my friends, and you will learn to act accordingly. A bartender who can't measure a free pour isn't worth his margarita salt. If you're unsure, take an empty liquor bottle, a pourer spout and a shot glass. Fill the bottle with water, pop on that spout and start filling the shotglass. WHile filling count to yourself. Everyone's count is different. '1,2,3,'. Whatever. You'll get used to the count it takes to fill that glass and in no time you'll be able to measure a free pour just using your count. Again, corporates tend to be set up on the assumption everyone is going to overpour, so they opt for the security features mentioned above. Fuck that. People, especially older clientele, don't frequent where they can't get a good drink. Corp's rely on heavy turnover volume, hence coupons in the Sunday paper and ads on TV to attract new people all the time. Again, high clientele turnover rate = less regulars = less money.
Have there been people who have violated these rules and loved their jobs? Yeah. No one I know though. And while a cozy bar with plenty of regulars can actually be quite cathartic and pleasant to work at, clubs and corp's tend to be hectic and taxing, hence why it's not only the clientele that has a high turnover rate.
Okay, cheers for now, I need a drink.
...................................
* Legality: Do Not Go kill these people. Just give em' a hearty 'Piss off' and move on.
** Older folks socialize as much or more than younger folks do, so they will find a place they like also based on what other people in their age range with their likes and dislikes, expectations and apprehensions go. This is a great tip-off to whether or not you want to work at a place; case the joint for a few weeks before seeking employment; if there's no regular older crowd but a bunch of now-and-theners chances are its not that great a place.
*** BONUS FACT: Many people who frequent bars (not clubs) were themselves once bartenders or waitstaff!!! Guess how us ex-bar folk tip? GREAT!!! (if your not a blowjob hack that is)
*^ see 'what you don't do' blog from March 21st. Direct link here:http://thebartenderchronicles.blogspot.com/2008/03/what-you-dont-do.html
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Bar vs. Banquets...
There is a thin white line between the life of a bartender who works at a bar, proper, and a bartender that works banquets. If you are considering a gig in the poison-slinging industry then you should know the difference and lean in the appropriate direction. I started behind the bar - that's where I cut my teeth so to speak. When I began filling in for banquets on the weekends I already had a bias, even though there are pros and cons to both. Likewise I knew plenty of banquet bartenders who would not go behind a bar to save their lives, so to each their own. My point here is to help folks interested plot a course in the right direction.
You've already heard a lot of what it's like behind the bar, so it only makes sense not to waste time outlining the pros and cons there, as discussing now those of banquets will coversely demonstrate the 'bars' by contrast. Did that make any sense? Anyway, here we go on the great banquet coaster!!!
Banquet's number one advantage is based on a sickening loophole in the tax laws. If you work behind a bar or as a server, legally you HAVE to report your tips and grant the government a portion of them for taxes. In a banquet, you do not.
Now, don't worry, you don't actually HAVE to but you HAVE to, know what I mean? When I started behind the bar the friend that trained me told me, 'do what i do, once a week you have to file this tip sheet right? So just put ten bucks in for every day you work.' Now granted, this position I was taking from him was technically 'barback' on the establishment's records because they wanted to have two bartenders on weeknights and three on weekends, but they didn't want to have to pay them the extra fifteen cents or whatever an hour for the elevated position, so 'barback' it was.* Now, barback is a tricky thing. In my experience at the hotel it was great, because it was really a bartender position. But most of the other barbacks positions I've seen are what equates to a busbuy for the bartender, ie you run and fetch barrels or cases of beer for them, empty dishes and glasses and take them wherever, etc. Grunt work that gets, mostly, a small percentage of the bartender's sales. If you're young and can find no other way of getting in the business then go ahead and take it, but you won't make much and most of what I discuss on this site won't apply or even make sense to you until you're behind the bar. If you want to get into the real business however, don't go this route.
Anyway, to get back on point, yeah, as a banquet bartender you DO NOT legally have to claim you're tips because you do not, for the most part, have 'sales'. Most banquet gigs are tending open bars - that is weddings and company shindigs and the like, where the cost of the bar and everything the guests might drink is included in the cost of renting the banquet hall's room out for the party to begin with. This works to the bartender's advantage in a second way as well, as most folks, when a bartender is promptly making or handing them whatever they ordered without charging them a cent, are quick to tip a buck or two. This combined with the amount most people will drink, acquired through numerous trips to the bar, amounts to more and more dollars in your jar. Think of the last wedding you were at. How many people? Maybe it was small, under one hundred people. But these days when the wedding industry is an ever-escalating behemouth sprouting more and more tentacles folks tend to invite more and more people, until family becomes extended family (Hey! Great Aunt Jackie, her three kids, now grown up with families of their own, and even a couple of guys she used to fuck in the forties on Tuesdays! Glad you could all make it!) and friends become friends, acquaintances, co-workers, doctors, lawyers, friends of friends, etc. You get the point. If that's the case (as in my experience it is more than not) think of all those people returning again and again to the bar. Even if only 75% leave you $1 each time, well, that's a fucking lot.
And it's all under the table.
Plus your hourly. If this is the case, be smart, sign up for direct deposit for your check and never touch them, just let them accumulate like that wedding industry Cthulhu I mentioned before and in seemingly no time you'll have a nice big account for emergencies or eventual nesting.
Now, all that being the upside, here's the downside.
The music. If it's a wedding especially, but anything with a DJ in general, get ready to hear endless streaming of audio diarrhea and watch a ton of uncoordinated white folks do the Macarena, Electric Slide and all other manner of hell-spawned gyrations. I once saw an old man with a walker head out to the dancefloor and attempt to 'cut a rug' to Cher's atrocity 'Power of love'. If I knew then what I know now, I like to think I would have slipped roofies into everyone's drinks and attempted to leave psychologically unscathed. Unfortunately I still wake late at night sometimes screaming from dreams of that horrible sight.
Coupled with this, banquets rely on staff other than the bartender, same as any other service establishment, and for some occult reason banquet facilities almost ALWAYS line their ranks with all manner of sick freaks and losers. I've seen women with facial hair, young kids to stupid to understand the words 'that goes to the bride, the woman sitting at the head table with all the other flowers around her, the one who looks just like the enormous photograph hanging above the cake'. Women to large to fit through side by side loading dock doors, hunched and riveted spines, rheumy eyes, you name it. And what's worse, THEY ARE ALL STUPID. Usually. Not always. I worked with some that weren't, but of course the number of morons in any given event staff are stupid enough to more than out weight the advantages of those who are intelligent and agile.
Also, banquets do not provide the solace of regulars. Meet and greet, drink and eat, goodbye godspeed, now go on home and rest your feet.
Hah, now I'm a fucking poet, huh? Maybe I should change this to 'The Poet Chronicles'? Naw. Generally I hate and do not 'get' poetry. Unless of course some wealthy European ruler would like to pay me to sit around and smoke opium and drink Laudunum, composing verse. THAT I could get into.
So, there's the low down. Read it over and choose wisely. The best gig is one that offers a mix of both of these types, with the bulk of the time being spent behind the bar and a banquet here or there for extra cash. But of course, you can't always get what you want. Let's hope though, that you get what you need.
You've already heard a lot of what it's like behind the bar, so it only makes sense not to waste time outlining the pros and cons there, as discussing now those of banquets will coversely demonstrate the 'bars' by contrast. Did that make any sense? Anyway, here we go on the great banquet coaster!!!
Banquet's number one advantage is based on a sickening loophole in the tax laws. If you work behind a bar or as a server, legally you HAVE to report your tips and grant the government a portion of them for taxes. In a banquet, you do not.
Now, don't worry, you don't actually HAVE to but you HAVE to, know what I mean? When I started behind the bar the friend that trained me told me, 'do what i do, once a week you have to file this tip sheet right? So just put ten bucks in for every day you work.' Now granted, this position I was taking from him was technically 'barback' on the establishment's records because they wanted to have two bartenders on weeknights and three on weekends, but they didn't want to have to pay them the extra fifteen cents or whatever an hour for the elevated position, so 'barback' it was.* Now, barback is a tricky thing. In my experience at the hotel it was great, because it was really a bartender position. But most of the other barbacks positions I've seen are what equates to a busbuy for the bartender, ie you run and fetch barrels or cases of beer for them, empty dishes and glasses and take them wherever, etc. Grunt work that gets, mostly, a small percentage of the bartender's sales. If you're young and can find no other way of getting in the business then go ahead and take it, but you won't make much and most of what I discuss on this site won't apply or even make sense to you until you're behind the bar. If you want to get into the real business however, don't go this route.
Anyway, to get back on point, yeah, as a banquet bartender you DO NOT legally have to claim you're tips because you do not, for the most part, have 'sales'. Most banquet gigs are tending open bars - that is weddings and company shindigs and the like, where the cost of the bar and everything the guests might drink is included in the cost of renting the banquet hall's room out for the party to begin with. This works to the bartender's advantage in a second way as well, as most folks, when a bartender is promptly making or handing them whatever they ordered without charging them a cent, are quick to tip a buck or two. This combined with the amount most people will drink, acquired through numerous trips to the bar, amounts to more and more dollars in your jar. Think of the last wedding you were at. How many people? Maybe it was small, under one hundred people. But these days when the wedding industry is an ever-escalating behemouth sprouting more and more tentacles folks tend to invite more and more people, until family becomes extended family (Hey! Great Aunt Jackie, her three kids, now grown up with families of their own, and even a couple of guys she used to fuck in the forties on Tuesdays! Glad you could all make it!) and friends become friends, acquaintances, co-workers, doctors, lawyers, friends of friends, etc. You get the point. If that's the case (as in my experience it is more than not) think of all those people returning again and again to the bar. Even if only 75% leave you $1 each time, well, that's a fucking lot.
And it's all under the table.
Plus your hourly. If this is the case, be smart, sign up for direct deposit for your check and never touch them, just let them accumulate like that wedding industry Cthulhu I mentioned before and in seemingly no time you'll have a nice big account for emergencies or eventual nesting.
Now, all that being the upside, here's the downside.
The music. If it's a wedding especially, but anything with a DJ in general, get ready to hear endless streaming of audio diarrhea and watch a ton of uncoordinated white folks do the Macarena, Electric Slide and all other manner of hell-spawned gyrations. I once saw an old man with a walker head out to the dancefloor and attempt to 'cut a rug' to Cher's atrocity 'Power of love'. If I knew then what I know now, I like to think I would have slipped roofies into everyone's drinks and attempted to leave psychologically unscathed. Unfortunately I still wake late at night sometimes screaming from dreams of that horrible sight.
Coupled with this, banquets rely on staff other than the bartender, same as any other service establishment, and for some occult reason banquet facilities almost ALWAYS line their ranks with all manner of sick freaks and losers. I've seen women with facial hair, young kids to stupid to understand the words 'that goes to the bride, the woman sitting at the head table with all the other flowers around her, the one who looks just like the enormous photograph hanging above the cake'. Women to large to fit through side by side loading dock doors, hunched and riveted spines, rheumy eyes, you name it. And what's worse, THEY ARE ALL STUPID. Usually. Not always. I worked with some that weren't, but of course the number of morons in any given event staff are stupid enough to more than out weight the advantages of those who are intelligent and agile.
Also, banquets do not provide the solace of regulars. Meet and greet, drink and eat, goodbye godspeed, now go on home and rest your feet.
Hah, now I'm a fucking poet, huh? Maybe I should change this to 'The Poet Chronicles'? Naw. Generally I hate and do not 'get' poetry. Unless of course some wealthy European ruler would like to pay me to sit around and smoke opium and drink Laudunum, composing verse. THAT I could get into.
So, there's the low down. Read it over and choose wisely. The best gig is one that offers a mix of both of these types, with the bulk of the time being spent behind the bar and a banquet here or there for extra cash. But of course, you can't always get what you want. Let's hope though, that you get what you need.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Free drinks...
...are part of the job, regardless of what anyone tells you. White collar pencil pushers will try to cut costs by telling you that you can't but you can, neigh you must buy your regulars drinks. It's an age old custom and a great way to show your customers you appreciate them.
Buy drinks often and with no expectations attached. If the place you work for has a problem with this, either do it anyway or find a new place to work. And none of this 'Manager approval' bullshit either. If you have to walk over and ask a manager to approve and then input a comp into the POS* system, well, it looks poorly for you and for the place. Chances are though if you're in the kind of place that employs this system they won't get that anyway, so move on.
Now, buying a drink is no substitute for listening to your customers when they want to talk, but buying drinks is a way to let people know you appreciate their business and also, their company. Now as far as not expecting anything back, there is a subtle paradigm here. If you buy a regular chances are they will tip you better - however do not think if they are already tipping you good they should tip you better after you buy them. Some people treat this as a type of race or 'one-up-man-ship spectacle' - in simplest terms the tip should not necessarily increase everytime you buy them another drink. This being said however, sometimes it does. But take this on a day to day basis. Once someone tips you one amount don't expect them to match it every time. If you do that will begin to become apparent in those oh so subtle ways we humans communicate, and you will alienate people you generally like. If you are the type who really only looks at the gig for money and don't care about your regulars as people anyway, then you shouldn't be in the business in the first place. Go sell children in Bangladesh.
Now, you may ask, if you 'do it anyway', is that technically stealing?
Well, I suppose what follows is a great example of what my friends and I call 'if you've convinced yourself, that's great' but here's my answer to that one.
IT'S A BAR.
You are actually doing the owners a favor by incurring good will in the name of the establishment - this is how you acquire and maintain regulars. Regulars mean repeat business for the establishment and repeat business means CONSISTENT INCOME. Period. For You and the bar. If the owners/operators do not want consistent sales, THEY should not be in the business.
It all comes out in the wash, believe me. It may be a different case in places like TGIFuckface's or Appledrool's, but those types of establishment's have no business being discussed in a blog about bars and bartending other than for the purpose of making clear they do not belong here. If you're bartending at one of those, quit now, it will only make your life better, sooner.
About three years into my five year gig at the hotel the management came under the idea that they should all of a sudden not allow us to buy regulars drinks. Now, this is even worse than opening a place with that policy, as most of my regulars were I's regulars and thus consistent customers of the establishment for over twenty years. How insulted would you feel if the place you've been going and having comps for that long all of a sudden said - NOPE, no more comps.
A little Insulted? Maybe.
Very insulted? Yeah, probably. Not that the free drink is the point, but when you're out with friends, you buy one another drinks, because you are friends and buying drinks is a friendly thing to do. A bar you feel at home at and frequent on a regualr basis you may do so for several reasons; atmosphere, good prices, good selection of imbibes,attractive staff, etc. However the one reason above and beyond all of these that seals the deal is the bar you choose to frequent you do so first and foremost because you feel friendship there.
In the situation related above, the staff and I of course fought to retain our rights to buy drinks for our regulars. In the end, my saying 'Never underestimate the power of complacency' rang true, just as it almost always does, and the management completely forgot about what was once such a 'hot idea'. Too busy cheating on their spouses and getting blitzed on a bevy of chemicals themselves, eh? But this was of course a privately run franchise, and as such not under as close corporate scrutiny as a lot of other places are.
Another thing to remember with buying drinks is don't 'play games'. If you buy someone you normally do not, they now may begin to expect it, and you have put yourself in a place where the aforementioned scenarios of one-up-man-ship may escalate. Try it once, maybe not the next time, and then do a 'here and there' trial. If you particularly want to endear yourself to the person, don't buy after they tip you - do it before.
Finally, remember to keep what you do and who you buy to yourself as far as discussion with customers or other staff. The people you work closely with are one thing, but if you begin bragging or offering helpful hints to just anyone all out clusterfuck will occurr. Someone else may begin buying a regular more than you, or you may hear about them making more on a tip from a person you considered 'your' customer. This can only lead to trouble, so heed early. In the end there are two types of people you buy drinks for as a bartender: those who you do it for because you genuinely want to do something nice for them and those who will tip you better because of it. Try your best to keep those worlds separate, even if the people come in and talk to one another.
Now you know, AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE.
........
* Although, in many cases if You are behind a bar with a 'POS' or Point of Sale system like Aloha or Squirrel instead of a honest to goodness cash register, well, you might be in the wrong place to begin with. Of course, that is not always the case, as the bar I worked in at the hotel for five years had a POS and was the shit, still adhering to an old world system in everything else, ie no meaured pouring spouts, no minimus, no ever present manager needed for comping, etc.
Buy drinks often and with no expectations attached. If the place you work for has a problem with this, either do it anyway or find a new place to work. And none of this 'Manager approval' bullshit either. If you have to walk over and ask a manager to approve and then input a comp into the POS* system, well, it looks poorly for you and for the place. Chances are though if you're in the kind of place that employs this system they won't get that anyway, so move on.
Now, buying a drink is no substitute for listening to your customers when they want to talk, but buying drinks is a way to let people know you appreciate their business and also, their company. Now as far as not expecting anything back, there is a subtle paradigm here. If you buy a regular chances are they will tip you better - however do not think if they are already tipping you good they should tip you better after you buy them. Some people treat this as a type of race or 'one-up-man-ship spectacle' - in simplest terms the tip should not necessarily increase everytime you buy them another drink. This being said however, sometimes it does. But take this on a day to day basis. Once someone tips you one amount don't expect them to match it every time. If you do that will begin to become apparent in those oh so subtle ways we humans communicate, and you will alienate people you generally like. If you are the type who really only looks at the gig for money and don't care about your regulars as people anyway, then you shouldn't be in the business in the first place. Go sell children in Bangladesh.
Now, you may ask, if you 'do it anyway', is that technically stealing?
Well, I suppose what follows is a great example of what my friends and I call 'if you've convinced yourself, that's great' but here's my answer to that one.
IT'S A BAR.
You are actually doing the owners a favor by incurring good will in the name of the establishment - this is how you acquire and maintain regulars. Regulars mean repeat business for the establishment and repeat business means CONSISTENT INCOME. Period. For You and the bar. If the owners/operators do not want consistent sales, THEY should not be in the business.
It all comes out in the wash, believe me. It may be a different case in places like TGIFuckface's or Appledrool's, but those types of establishment's have no business being discussed in a blog about bars and bartending other than for the purpose of making clear they do not belong here. If you're bartending at one of those, quit now, it will only make your life better, sooner.
About three years into my five year gig at the hotel the management came under the idea that they should all of a sudden not allow us to buy regulars drinks. Now, this is even worse than opening a place with that policy, as most of my regulars were I's regulars and thus consistent customers of the establishment for over twenty years. How insulted would you feel if the place you've been going and having comps for that long all of a sudden said - NOPE, no more comps.
A little Insulted? Maybe.
Very insulted? Yeah, probably. Not that the free drink is the point, but when you're out with friends, you buy one another drinks, because you are friends and buying drinks is a friendly thing to do. A bar you feel at home at and frequent on a regualr basis you may do so for several reasons; atmosphere, good prices, good selection of imbibes,attractive staff, etc. However the one reason above and beyond all of these that seals the deal is the bar you choose to frequent you do so first and foremost because you feel friendship there.
In the situation related above, the staff and I of course fought to retain our rights to buy drinks for our regulars. In the end, my saying 'Never underestimate the power of complacency' rang true, just as it almost always does, and the management completely forgot about what was once such a 'hot idea'. Too busy cheating on their spouses and getting blitzed on a bevy of chemicals themselves, eh? But this was of course a privately run franchise, and as such not under as close corporate scrutiny as a lot of other places are.
Another thing to remember with buying drinks is don't 'play games'. If you buy someone you normally do not, they now may begin to expect it, and you have put yourself in a place where the aforementioned scenarios of one-up-man-ship may escalate. Try it once, maybe not the next time, and then do a 'here and there' trial. If you particularly want to endear yourself to the person, don't buy after they tip you - do it before.
Finally, remember to keep what you do and who you buy to yourself as far as discussion with customers or other staff. The people you work closely with are one thing, but if you begin bragging or offering helpful hints to just anyone all out clusterfuck will occurr. Someone else may begin buying a regular more than you, or you may hear about them making more on a tip from a person you considered 'your' customer. This can only lead to trouble, so heed early. In the end there are two types of people you buy drinks for as a bartender: those who you do it for because you genuinely want to do something nice for them and those who will tip you better because of it. Try your best to keep those worlds separate, even if the people come in and talk to one another.
Now you know, AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE.
........
* Although, in many cases if You are behind a bar with a 'POS' or Point of Sale system like Aloha or Squirrel instead of a honest to goodness cash register, well, you might be in the wrong place to begin with. Of course, that is not always the case, as the bar I worked in at the hotel for five years had a POS and was the shit, still adhering to an old world system in everything else, ie no meaured pouring spouts, no minimus, no ever present manager needed for comping, etc.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Come Sail Away... Bartender on the Road
I haven't been a bar tender on a regular basis for a while, but that it's like the mob, you can never get out. I have long been a fan of exploring new bars. There is a two-fold ideology behind this: 1) Alcohol saturated adventure, and 2) You can see what you shouldn't do and what you should do to be a better bartender. Traveling to Ohio this past week I had some prime time to investigate. Here's the gem.
...........
The White Sail.
We pull into a gravel driveway next to a white building that has a hand-crafted (and uneven) sign above the door that reads: The White Sail.
“Are we going to get hurt?” I ask my friend Marc.
“No,” he responds laughing slightly at my innocent question. Marc has previously told me the tale of how he finally discovered the White Sail after searching for it for years. Stuck in the middle of a small residential area I can understand how it might even be looked directly upon without recognition – the building more closely resembles a house than a ‘bar’ destination.
We walk in and immediately my eyes shrink – it’s about two o' clock in the afternoon on a sunny June day but in here its nine PM, October 25th 1972. The only light comes from objects like novelty beer signs and out of season Christmas lights that border and outline displays. The first thing I see as my eyes adjust to the light is a small child, sitting at the bar in front of the video poker machine. Then another small kid, the first a boy of about eight, the second a girl a year or two younger. Several seats past them are folk who appear to be their parents.
We sit down and the upper-middle aged platinum blonde woman behind the bar asks us for our ids in a tobacco-damaged voice. Her demeanor is a bit gruff, but in this part of the country that’s commonplace in establishments like this. As I suspect, once she discerns we are of legal drinking age she becomes immediately more personable and asks the age old question:
“What’ll it be?”
Marc is a Budweiser man and he answers accordingly. I look around knowing my predilection as a beer snob will win me no favor here. Two tall coolers on either side of the woman showcase MGD, Michelob Ultra and not much else. Our host procures Marc’s bud from a cooler just in front of us – I smile as I hear the can crack open with a burst of freshness. ‘What the hell,’ I think to myself, ‘when in Rome…’.
“I’ll have a bud as well.”
I’m treated to a second Crack and as I sit and take a sip from the aluminum can I’m not so surprised to find that a beverage I normally find abhorrent hits the fucking spot on this 80+ summer day. It comes as no surprise really. It’s only in a place like this, at a time like this that a can of cheap American lager tastes good to me. Marc and I settle back into our beers and begin to look around.
The bar is rounded and big enough for between twelve or fifteen nice leather-backed barstools. Behind it are two or three faux-leather apolstered booths and then a small succession of simple tables and chairs. Chances are if you’ve gone bar hopping anywhere in the mid-west you’ve seen the prototype the White Sail is based on – possibly best described as if imagined your aunt turning her basement into a bar…
Shifting my attention behind the bar one of the first things I notice is on a door next to the cooler to the left of where the bartender served us. Suspended by a single piece of Scotch tape is a child’s crude drawing of a large white sail with the words The WHITE SAIL scrawled in sloppy crayon below it.
Nice.
The Bottles on the shelf have color-coded plastic pourers and Marc points out a handwritten list to the left of the old fashioned cash register. I don’t recall everything, but yellow was the most expensive color at $4.25 and topped such items as Level brand vodka (easily a $6-$8 vodka in a lot of the places I know of back in LA or Chicago), and Christian Brothers VS. Total there cannot be more than 20 bottles on that shelf, and I'd say only four or five of them had yellow.
Did I mention our beers cost $4.50 for the two?
After a few minutes the kids leave with their parents and in short order a new guy enters the bar via a screen door in the rear of the place and sits down at the poker machine.
Wait... yes, I said a screen door. I did mention how much this place looks like a house didn't I? Moving right along...
When the bartender asks him what he’s having he asks her about Margaritas – he does this in a way that makes me think he has only just learned of this drink for the first time recently. Our host looks a bit confused and he goes on to recite what he remembered to be the recipe, apparently related to him by another employee of the place. She listens for a moment but he does not express himself with confidence in his description or any kind of accuracy in terms of pronouncing the names of the suspected ingredients so she dons a pair of generic reading glasses and begins hunting around for a recipe book. Once said recipes are found they are not a book but a loose packet of index cards rubber banded together. She begins rifling through them.
“You tend bar, ask her if she needs help,” Marc prompts me.
“What’re you trying to make?” I ask cautiously.
“He asked about a Margarita,” she tells us, “I’ve never made one before, I usually work the day and get all the beer and whiskey drinkers.”
I’m about to offer up some advice when she lifts a card from the stock and holds it to the light. She moves away to grab her cocktail shaker.
Now, I’m all for offering advice, but here’s one thing to remember- don’t be a condescending prick about it. And I say that because step two is you never know who will find what condescending.
This is important in any bar, at any time, so let me repeat it in bold:
YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IS GOING TO FIND WHAT OFFENSIVE. If you write off every single other piece of advice I offer, please remember that one and always think before, during and after you speak. It could save your life, or at the very least your job.
I notice that after Jose Cuervo our host picks up the bottle of Grand Marnier (one of the few cordials the Sail offers along with the likes of Frangelico and DeKuyper's Razzmatazz) even though there is a bottle of Triple-Sec almost next to it. Now, for conversation I could get involved and tell her she could just as easily use the Triple, but the motivation behind using that instead of GM is its cheaper. This may piss off the guy ordering the drink, and might make my host think I’m a know-it-all little prick. Maybe not, she seems pretty cool, but I air on the side of caution. I figure with her apparent need to let Marc and I, two total strangers, know that she had never made a margarita before I’m betting she’s a bit self conscious and I figure let her figure it out herself.
So once the ingredients are in she shakes the fucker up and pours it into the glass she has already rimmed with salt (I missed this process but it looks to me like she used table salt, not margarita salt). She serves it up and goes back to opening cans of bud, what everyone else in the room appears to be drinking.
Marc and I go back to our beers and our constant appreciation of the room. It's a common misnomer that bars like this are cutthroat. I mean, yeah, if you're out dive hunting then you need to mind your shit, because a room can go pear-shaped in an instant and you need to be ready. However, and this is a big however so I should say HOWEVER, bars like the White Sail are typically, from this bartender's experience, the nicest places to drink. Blue collar folk (of which I am one) are in their element when they are drinking with friends and not being charged through the nose for it. You find a bar like The White Sail, it'll be your huckleberry for a long time. My bar in Chicago I left behind, Kraus' Gaslight is the same way and I miss it and the patron's every day, and especially every time I walk into a corporate drinking hole bent more on being a restaurant than a tavern.*
Like I said, find one of these and you'll have friends and a place 'where everybody knows your name' for life, and that's good for relaxing and reconnecting with the human race, especially as a bartender who has to serve people all the time. It's like the masseuse's masseuse.
..........
* When you find a place like this you will understand the distinction of the term 'tavern' as a colloquial from the various other terms around for establishments of drinking.
...........
The White Sail.
We pull into a gravel driveway next to a white building that has a hand-crafted (and uneven) sign above the door that reads: The White Sail.
“Are we going to get hurt?” I ask my friend Marc.
“No,” he responds laughing slightly at my innocent question. Marc has previously told me the tale of how he finally discovered the White Sail after searching for it for years. Stuck in the middle of a small residential area I can understand how it might even be looked directly upon without recognition – the building more closely resembles a house than a ‘bar’ destination.
We walk in and immediately my eyes shrink – it’s about two o' clock in the afternoon on a sunny June day but in here its nine PM, October 25th 1972. The only light comes from objects like novelty beer signs and out of season Christmas lights that border and outline displays. The first thing I see as my eyes adjust to the light is a small child, sitting at the bar in front of the video poker machine. Then another small kid, the first a boy of about eight, the second a girl a year or two younger. Several seats past them are folk who appear to be their parents.
We sit down and the upper-middle aged platinum blonde woman behind the bar asks us for our ids in a tobacco-damaged voice. Her demeanor is a bit gruff, but in this part of the country that’s commonplace in establishments like this. As I suspect, once she discerns we are of legal drinking age she becomes immediately more personable and asks the age old question:
“What’ll it be?”
Marc is a Budweiser man and he answers accordingly. I look around knowing my predilection as a beer snob will win me no favor here. Two tall coolers on either side of the woman showcase MGD, Michelob Ultra and not much else. Our host procures Marc’s bud from a cooler just in front of us – I smile as I hear the can crack open with a burst of freshness. ‘What the hell,’ I think to myself, ‘when in Rome…’.
“I’ll have a bud as well.”
I’m treated to a second Crack and as I sit and take a sip from the aluminum can I’m not so surprised to find that a beverage I normally find abhorrent hits the fucking spot on this 80+ summer day. It comes as no surprise really. It’s only in a place like this, at a time like this that a can of cheap American lager tastes good to me. Marc and I settle back into our beers and begin to look around.
The bar is rounded and big enough for between twelve or fifteen nice leather-backed barstools. Behind it are two or three faux-leather apolstered booths and then a small succession of simple tables and chairs. Chances are if you’ve gone bar hopping anywhere in the mid-west you’ve seen the prototype the White Sail is based on – possibly best described as if imagined your aunt turning her basement into a bar…
Shifting my attention behind the bar one of the first things I notice is on a door next to the cooler to the left of where the bartender served us. Suspended by a single piece of Scotch tape is a child’s crude drawing of a large white sail with the words The WHITE SAIL scrawled in sloppy crayon below it.
Nice.
The Bottles on the shelf have color-coded plastic pourers and Marc points out a handwritten list to the left of the old fashioned cash register. I don’t recall everything, but yellow was the most expensive color at $4.25 and topped such items as Level brand vodka (easily a $6-$8 vodka in a lot of the places I know of back in LA or Chicago), and Christian Brothers VS. Total there cannot be more than 20 bottles on that shelf, and I'd say only four or five of them had yellow.
Did I mention our beers cost $4.50 for the two?
After a few minutes the kids leave with their parents and in short order a new guy enters the bar via a screen door in the rear of the place and sits down at the poker machine.
Wait... yes, I said a screen door. I did mention how much this place looks like a house didn't I? Moving right along...
When the bartender asks him what he’s having he asks her about Margaritas – he does this in a way that makes me think he has only just learned of this drink for the first time recently. Our host looks a bit confused and he goes on to recite what he remembered to be the recipe, apparently related to him by another employee of the place. She listens for a moment but he does not express himself with confidence in his description or any kind of accuracy in terms of pronouncing the names of the suspected ingredients so she dons a pair of generic reading glasses and begins hunting around for a recipe book. Once said recipes are found they are not a book but a loose packet of index cards rubber banded together. She begins rifling through them.
“You tend bar, ask her if she needs help,” Marc prompts me.
“What’re you trying to make?” I ask cautiously.
“He asked about a Margarita,” she tells us, “I’ve never made one before, I usually work the day and get all the beer and whiskey drinkers.”
I’m about to offer up some advice when she lifts a card from the stock and holds it to the light. She moves away to grab her cocktail shaker.
Now, I’m all for offering advice, but here’s one thing to remember- don’t be a condescending prick about it. And I say that because step two is you never know who will find what condescending.
This is important in any bar, at any time, so let me repeat it in bold:
YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IS GOING TO FIND WHAT OFFENSIVE. If you write off every single other piece of advice I offer, please remember that one and always think before, during and after you speak. It could save your life, or at the very least your job.
I notice that after Jose Cuervo our host picks up the bottle of Grand Marnier (one of the few cordials the Sail offers along with the likes of Frangelico and DeKuyper's Razzmatazz) even though there is a bottle of Triple-Sec almost next to it. Now, for conversation I could get involved and tell her she could just as easily use the Triple, but the motivation behind using that instead of GM is its cheaper. This may piss off the guy ordering the drink, and might make my host think I’m a know-it-all little prick. Maybe not, she seems pretty cool, but I air on the side of caution. I figure with her apparent need to let Marc and I, two total strangers, know that she had never made a margarita before I’m betting she’s a bit self conscious and I figure let her figure it out herself.
So once the ingredients are in she shakes the fucker up and pours it into the glass she has already rimmed with salt (I missed this process but it looks to me like she used table salt, not margarita salt). She serves it up and goes back to opening cans of bud, what everyone else in the room appears to be drinking.
Marc and I go back to our beers and our constant appreciation of the room. It's a common misnomer that bars like this are cutthroat. I mean, yeah, if you're out dive hunting then you need to mind your shit, because a room can go pear-shaped in an instant and you need to be ready. However, and this is a big however so I should say HOWEVER, bars like the White Sail are typically, from this bartender's experience, the nicest places to drink. Blue collar folk (of which I am one) are in their element when they are drinking with friends and not being charged through the nose for it. You find a bar like The White Sail, it'll be your huckleberry for a long time. My bar in Chicago I left behind, Kraus' Gaslight is the same way and I miss it and the patron's every day, and especially every time I walk into a corporate drinking hole bent more on being a restaurant than a tavern.*
Like I said, find one of these and you'll have friends and a place 'where everybody knows your name' for life, and that's good for relaxing and reconnecting with the human race, especially as a bartender who has to serve people all the time. It's like the masseuse's masseuse.
..........
* When you find a place like this you will understand the distinction of the term 'tavern' as a colloquial from the various other terms around for establishments of drinking.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)