Plans and Agendas...

Okay kids, here's my checklist entitled: CRITERIA TO FIND A PERFECT GIG. If You are starting out as a bartender, or even if you're just looking for a better gig than the one you have, If the job meets these criteria, chances are pretty good you'll do well and LOVE your job (how often does that happen?)

1) You do not want to work in a club.

Let me repeat that because some of you won't believe your eyes. No I didn't stutter or mis-type YOU DO NOT WANT TO WORK IN A CLUB.

Now, I know there is a special, genetically-mutated percent of the population out there that think, 'Eh? He's mad, you bet your ass I do want to work at a club.

NO, YOU DON"T. Trust me, please.

Even those of the 'I do' persuasion I've known ended up hating the gigs once they'd achieved them.

Why is that, you might ask?

Well, let's see now. MMMhph (clears throat) Massive crowds of people constantly revolving in and out of your range and ridiculously loud music may sound like a good idea from the otherside of the bar (do they?), but from behind it these things mean A) it is unlikely you will ever make any of your customers acquaintance, without which your tips will never grow or stay steady, and B) it will likely be too loud and too busy for helping or listening to people, and like the above (or rather a part of it) if you do, it will usually be by their effort and in that case you can bet your ass they have an agenda. This will most likely be bad (someone trying to see if you know where to score drugs - 65% of these will be narcs) but it's not out of the question that occasionally it could be a good agenda. Someone might want to get you in the sack. Cool, yeah, but be careful, as things like that rooted in clubs have a tendency to turn out to be bad regardless.

2) You do not want to work for something corporate. Have you ever known a bartender at a Chile's that was zonked out happy with their job? Nope. No, you haven't. And if you've never known a bartender from Chile's, or any of those other corporate type shitholes, stop in one tomorrow after work, order a drink and make casual conversation with the bartender (AGENDA! he screams and points his finger at you) and see if they dig it there. THEY DON'T. If they do they are the souless undead and YOU MUST KILL THEM ON THE SPOT!!!*

'Okay Mr. all knowing dickhead, what is it I want then?'

Glad you asked smartass. What you want to find is something privately owned that has an older clientele and a loose pour system. These two points are important, so let me branch out a bit.

3) Older clientele. Der Clientele Oldario. Caliente cl... oh, never mind that one, just remember OLDER CLIENTELE.

Why? You may ask. Because you may think you want a gig where you can meet members of the opposite sex, be hip, pretend you're Matt dillion. Whatever.

That's bullshit. Read on.

Here's what an older clientele does for you: First - they will take care of you. Not at first, no. Older folks latch onto a bartender they like and don't let go, even if the bartender does. When you come on a gig like this the people will be suspicious of you at first.

They should.

You're not going to know how they like their drinks, you're not going to know anything about them or any of the little things that make them unique **. It will take you time and effort to earn their love and respect. Don't bitch or bawk at this - if you're not willing to put forth the effort you're not really cut out to be a good bartender and the last thing the world needs, well besides another Bush or Wayan's brother, is another bad bartender, so get a job as a lifeguard or something, will ya?

However, if you are willing to tuff it out and bare the thick skin that will get you through the initial period, you will eventually come to realize you know all of your regulars' drinks, you know where they like to sit and when, and you'll have learned the little nuances of how to act with regulars: one biggie here is you know not to have a drink ready for them when they walk in (unless they are the type that always comes in alone and wants this, a distinction you'll be able to garner after only a few experiences with most folks) or call their drink by name. The idea here is the person might be with different people at different times and not want them to know they come there often. All these things the they will notice and that's when they start to talk to you and you get to know one another. You'll find yourself thinking about them if you happen across a tv show they were talking about or they will begin to see their kids in you. At this point on your path you'll have become more than just a bartender - you'll have become friends with the people. You might end up going out for a drink with some of them or to birthday parties, Christmas parties, whatever. You'll bring in pictures of your vacation for them to see, talk about your parents or even just spend slow eveings behind the bar listening to them tell great stories about when they tended bar***.

I can't stress this enough: this is what being a good bartender is. Clubs and corporates are designed against this grain, so while you might make some money by sheer volume, you'll be missing out on steady, consistant funds but more importantly you'll be missing out on some very worthwhile relationships and life experiences that will not only serve to make Your existence much more rewarding, it will serve to make you better in ANYTHING you do after that. It's helped me in the two jobs I've had since going on hiatus as a bartender. It's helped me with everyday interactions with people, like when I go into an unfamiliar bar. And it will especially help you be a better bartender.

.................

Moving right along...

The loose pour system once was the only system. Nowadays there's a whole market of 'bar technology' designed to watchdog the amount of booze a 'tender pours. There's the ball bearing system, where the pourer on the bottle can be set to measure exactly oone ounce of pour before a ball bearing slips to the mouth and stops the flow. There's also a micorchip system, which I have never seen but heard plenty about. This is more crazy, Tron type bartending where a microchip measures your pour and transmits a report on it to a central database. Get it? This way they always know who pours how much, so trouble can be proven and logged.

Big brother, eh?

Loose pour is what it sounds like. You pick up the bottle, tilt it above the glass and pour. Maybe about an ounce for Joe schmoe, more than an ounce for your heavy hitters and less than an ounce for 'quarters'*^ and the like. This is war my friends, and you will learn to act accordingly. A bartender who can't measure a free pour isn't worth his margarita salt. If you're unsure, take an empty liquor bottle, a pourer spout and a shot glass. Fill the bottle with water, pop on that spout and start filling the shotglass. WHile filling count to yourself. Everyone's count is different. '1,2,3,'. Whatever. You'll get used to the count it takes to fill that glass and in no time you'll be able to measure a free pour just using your count. Again, corporates tend to be set up on the assumption everyone is going to overpour, so they opt for the security features mentioned above. Fuck that. People, especially older clientele, don't frequent where they can't get a good drink. Corp's rely on heavy turnover volume, hence coupons in the Sunday paper and ads on TV to attract new people all the time. Again, high clientele turnover rate = less regulars = less money.

Have there been people who have violated these rules and loved their jobs? Yeah. No one I know though. And while a cozy bar with plenty of regulars can actually be quite cathartic and pleasant to work at, clubs and corp's tend to be hectic and taxing, hence why it's not only the clientele that has a high turnover rate.

Okay, cheers for now, I need a drink.

...................................


* Legality: Do Not Go kill these people. Just give em' a hearty 'Piss off' and move on.

** Older folks socialize as much or more than younger folks do, so they will find a place they like also based on what other people in their age range with their likes and dislikes, expectations and apprehensions go. This is a great tip-off to whether or not you want to work at a place; case the joint for a few weeks before seeking employment; if there's no regular older crowd but a bunch of now-and-theners chances are its not that great a place.

*** BONUS FACT: Many people who frequent bars (not clubs) were themselves once bartenders or waitstaff!!! Guess how us ex-bar folk tip? GREAT!!! (if your not a blowjob hack that is)

*^ see 'what you don't do' blog from March 21st. Direct link here:http://thebartenderchronicles.blogspot.com/2008/03/what-you-dont-do.html