Secret Truth #1: No Such Thing As 'Adults'

There are things I learned as a bartender, and chances are you will too, that changed the entire way I view the world around me. I’m not just talking about the fact that, in America at least, the great and mythic cocktail known as the Martini is usually nothing more than vodka or gin in a fancy glass with a vegetable on a stick attached for good measure. No, what I am talking about is unlocking some of the most important, eye-opening secrets of mankind you can imagine.

Hog shite, you cry? Well then, let’s dance shall we? Here’s a good first example of secret bartender knowledge for you.

SECRET BARTENDER TRUTH #1: There is no such thing as an ‘Adult’.

There, I’ve said it and its fucking true. ‘Oh, well then what the hell are all these things in suits and SUV’s moving to and fro around me, blocking up the freeways and grocery cue’s? WELL THEY’RE NOT BLOODY ADULTS, I WILL TELL YOU THAT!!!

Now, before anyone goes all Orson Welles-listener on me, let me explain.

Growing up in this society you are told, shown, and constantly reinforced with the idea that after a certain age you will become this magical creature we call ‘An Adult’. You’re a kid for only so long with endless days of play and imagination, but then suddenly you are in school and year after year you are being ingrained with this idea that you have to start looking forward to the future, when you become this magic ‘Adult’ - the supposed pinnacle of what ‘we’ as ‘beings’ are meant to become. Childhood, even the play, is really only a way-stop in the striving for this ultimate state of being, and so effectively useless. We are supposed to cram all of our hopes and dreams into eleven years or so and then start sweeping up the toys and doing ‘important’ things, because ‘Adults’ are responsible; they bring home the bacon, make the tough decisions and never act like children. ‘Adults’ know that dreams are for the young at heart and in fact the ultimate evolution is to realize just how you can fit into the paradigm of the world around you and contribute.

Right? Have I got this at least close to the mark?

Well, it’s all bullshit. A myth. A fairytale.

Remember that as a bartender I had an older crowd. This was my advice to you, to seek this same kind of a situation for factors listed in one of the diatribes below. If you do this you will see in no time that there is no such thing as this fictitious animal. People act like teenagers (read: ID, or kicking screaming pleasure-principle) regardless of the fact that they have reached a certain age and acquired responsibilities such as careers, homes, cars, families, debt, etc. If this ‘Adult’ does exist at any point it is for those who graduate from the ‘education’ or ‘training’ phase of their lives into the ‘real world’ (another biting myth we are crammed with for most of our young lives) and try to act according to those stringent mores and modes in order to cast off their past and remake themselves. But for most, this does not last and a few years after settling into the 'desired' routines of 'Adult' life they revert..

I always likened the bar, especially on nights with music, to a high school cafeteria that served booze. People would run around and goose each other, cheat on their dates, pound a drink when no one was looking, dance like a moron, start fights, do drugs, yell and scream at one another, sneak away to smoke a cigarette so their wife didn’t find out, make out, fondle and sometimes more depending on how dark their particular corner was (I DO NOT envy housekeeping, I will tell you that). Now tell me that any of those people, no matter how they act during the day, could be classified as an ‘Adult’ according to even just part of this list? I mean, the occasional slip-up is going to come, but when it’s night after night, week after week? Uh-ah.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not to say there is anything wrong with this. I myself am not an adult and I have never wanted to be, nor will ever want to be one. It’s always been more important to me to grow and change, as opposed to this idea that after a certain point I just automatically cross some invisible finish line and find myself all grown up and on the other side of Childhood’s End. However there is a danger to believing this will simply automatically happen and so consider this merely a warning for those who may be reading this believing in what they’ve been told. Put another way, if you think you don't have to steer the boat, that it will reach land on its own, you are doomed to ride the open seas for the rest of your gull-pecked days.

In order to do this job you have to be inducted, and in order to be inducted you have to learn the secret truths. Not only learn them to say them, but learn them to apply to the rest of your life and especially your gig, so as not to waste it. Now what are you waiting for, go out and serve those kiddies Scotch and Bahama Mama's!!!